I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
