I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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