yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
soo... how was my night?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
