Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Success! We fucked roommates!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
