FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
