hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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