My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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