I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
