I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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