Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
