I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
