Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.