if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
