nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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