Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
