areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think I won the penis lottery.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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