I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
