Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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