I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
