Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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