im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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