I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
