My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
