Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We're facebook friends in real life
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize