Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
