What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He passed out mid-signature
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
