new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize