Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
