do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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