i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
