Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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