Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
