2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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