its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
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Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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