About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
