My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
