girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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