I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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