I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
