just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
