that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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