those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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