I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
