if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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