i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
