my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
