Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
