life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
