i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.