I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I use my feet as sexual weapons