I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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