y did u give ur computer a hand job?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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