It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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