Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
