trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
