I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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