Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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