So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
