Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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