I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
