I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
